Over the five years (at least!), Disney will bludgeon us over the head with Star Wars films. Not only will we see Episodes VIII and VIX, but we will see spin-offs as well. The first one, released this year, is called Rogue One, and centres on the Rogue Squadron preparing to attack the first Death Star. Other ideas have been bandied around, such as origin stories for Han Solo and the ever popular Boba Fett. However, I’ve been thinking of some fairly obscure spin off stories myself…
- A Day In The Life Of The Sarlacc
A film about the Sarlacc, which is basically a hole with teeth in the sand? Stay with me here! I told you I was going to do obscure spin offs! It would be an existential film: we hear the thoughts of the Sarlacc pit. I envision a shot of the Great Pit of Karkoon opening the film, and the Sarlacc pit thinking: “Another day, yet another day to wait for precious sustenance to find its way into my gaping hole” (well, maybe without the sexual connotations). He pines to see the outside world, fed up of being stuck in the same place. After being alive for more than 30,000 years, he yearns for a change! It’s quite a depressing life, being stuck in the middle of a desert. Although he doesn’t have organs of vision, he’s very sensitive to the environment around him: he can feel when Jabba’s sail barges are approaching (they block out some of the sun), which is a sign that it’s feeding time. On this particular day, he is starving (as it takes him a thousand years to digest one thing, he’s in a constant state of hunger). However, what he doesn’t know is that Jabba is about to feed the hero Luke Skywalker to him. Cue the Sarlacc musing on the unimportance of other life forms such as Skywalker, who mean nothing in the grand scheme of things. He gets fed in the end, but Boba Fett simply isn’t enough for a 100 foot creature. He senses explosions and chaos around him. The Sarlacc shouts (in his mind, of course!) “I WANT MORE” and the ground begins to shake around him…and the film ends!
Okay, the idea is a little wild, and probably too experimental for the money-hungry Disney. But don’t we want something a little different from the expected Han Solo/Boba Fett origin stories? Don’t we want something that isn’t an action packed adventure? No…okay then!
- Figrin D’an and the Modal Nodes/The Cantina Band (Or ‘Straight Out Of Clak’dor VII)
Whilst watching ‘Straight Outta Compton,’ for some reason I thought of the Cantina Band, and how a pseudo-musical biopic would work for them. The Cantina Band start off as a group of aliens who slowly come together (united by the charisma of Figrin D’an and the musical ability of Lirin Car’n) before The Clone Wars. The band leader, Figrin D’an, served a couple of terms in prison for inciting rebellion against the government. They confront prejudice on their home planet, and become famous for their riotous concerts. They soon become so popular that they leave their home planet (Clak’dor VII, as Wikipedia reliably informs me!). The Clone Wars were a mere backdrop to their galaxy spanning touring, and they are the band of choice to distract people from the horrible war going on throughout the galaxy. Of course, there are tensions between Figrin D’an and Lirin Car’n over who is in charge of the band (according to Wikipedia, Lirin sits out during the bands appearance in ‘A New Hope’). However, when the Empire come into power, the Cantina Band find themselves persecuted by the Stormtroopers. They have no time for rebellious bands! They are reduced to playing in seedy cantinas. In one cantina in Mos Eisley, they see the loathsome Stormtroopers enter. They are arrested by the Stormtroopers during their performance, as they begin to play one of their most famous tunes about disobeying law and order. The film ends after the arrest, and the band split up (maybe Figrin creates some headphones?!?!?).
The film would show us snippets of events that occurred between the prequels and the originals, and give us yet another perspective of the Star Wars universe…
- The Story of An Independent Construction Worker Who Worked On The Second Death Star (And Survived!) (AND POSSIBLE SPOILERS FOR EPISODE VII: THE FORCE AWAKENS!)
(It needs a snappier title! Suggestions down below, please!) In Clerks, there is a conversation about the (theoretical) innocent independent construction workers who were hired to build the Second Death Star. It’s only a theory, but what if the Empire hired independent contractors to speed along construction of the Second Death Star? Think about it, it took over twenty years to build the first Death Star, and the Second Death Star is fully operational in less than half the time! In the commentary for ‘Attack of the Clones,’ Lucas posits that the contractors for both Death Stars could have been the Geonosians, but let’s say that the Empire hired anyone, regardless of race. We need a humanoid for the purpose of this spin off. Let’s call him ‘Gary’ for now. Gary took the job immediately, as he had a family to feed and due to the Rebellion (maybe?), jobs were a scarcity. Gary was taking a much-needed break on Endor (away from the Ewoks and the Stromtroopers), as the Empire worked him 14 hours a day, with only a ten minute break. He looks up in the sky, and sees a massive battle, culminating in the Death Star being blown up. All Empire-funded credits are frozen in people’s bank accounts, and Gary returns home as poor as he left home. The entire village is against him due to working with the Empire. He’s heckled, booed, and forced out of his home. His wife divorces him, and he wanders from planet to planet, poor and destitute. A great hatred for the Rebellion and the New Republic is fostered within Gary’s heart, and he plans to assassinate the main face of the New Republic, General Leia Organa…He never succeeds, obviously, but he hears of a ‘First Order’ that want to bring back the Empire and signs up. He dies in ‘The Force Awakens’ (SPOILER ALERT FOR THOSE WHO HAVEN’T SEEN THE FORCE AWAKENS!), as the Starkiller Base that he worked on is blown up!
The film would serve as a bridge between Episode VI and Episode VII, and give us yet another perspective on the Star Wars universe. What did the common people think about the Rebellion? How many lives were ruined, like Gary’s, when the Rebellion destroyed the Empire?
- Jar Jar Binks: The Early Year
I disgusted myself when I thought of this idea. We had enough of Jar Jar Binks in his first five minutes on screen, so why would we want more? Now, this idea was slightly inspired by ‘The Darth Jar-Jar’ theory hopping around the internet, but I wouldn’t go so far as to confirm that Jar Jar was a Sith Lord. However, I would run with the thought that Jar Jar was a very different character before ‘The Phantom Menace.’ I’d say that he was an evil genius in Otoh Gunga (the underwater city where the Gungans live). He was brought up witnessing the tyranny of Boss Nass, or at least what Jar Jar was programmed to think about Boss Nass by his parents. There was a small group of Otoh Gunga who wanted to declare war against the human population of Naboo, led by Queen Amidala. Jar Jar’s parents were part of this group. The group were persecuted by Boss Nass, and Jar Jar’s parents were imprisoned for life. Jar Jar grew up hating Boss Nass, and schemed to overthrow him. He worked his way up in the social and political hierarchy (a parallel mirror to his wholly accidental promotions to General and Senator in the prequels), and soon developed a following to overthrow Boss Nass. Jar Jar saw his opportunity to kill Boss Nass whilst on Nass’s personal submarine. However, Roos Tarpals, a close acquaintance of Jar Jar’s, suddenly changed his mind about assassinating Nass and purposefully crashed the submarine. Tarpals and Jar Jar fight, and Jar Jar suffered a nasty blow to the head. He forgot his identity and suffered brain damage, thus explaining his clumsiness in the prequels.
The mere thought of a Jar Jar film probably disgusts the majority of Star Wars fans, but this film would portray Jar Jar as a conniving, evil, manipulative and thoroughly un-clumsy person. It would rehabilitate his character without having him as a Sith…
By Episode VIX, we’ll all have collective ‘Star Wars’ exhaustion, as there’ll be a Star Wars film released every year until Episode VIX. How much Star Wars can the public take? While we’d all like to see more of Boba Fett, and a young Han Solo, I’d like to see some experimental takes on the Star Wars universe by Disney. I’d even like an hour and half of Darth Vader and The Emperor talking about the pros and cons of the Rebellion, instead of the inevitable lightsabre fights, space battle and blaster shooting…
Leave your thoughts/comments below!