HAMMY’S TOP 10…WORST FILMS OF ALL TIME!

Both Geostorm and The Snowman were released last week, to great critical disdain. I won’t be rushing out to see them; I usually leave awful films to watch on Netflix. I don’t want to be paying full cinema price for something that stinks! However, I’ve seen more than my fair share of awful films. I don’t actively seek these terrible films. Sometimes, you have to see darkness to appreciate the light. For without darkness, what is light? But I’ve got better things to spend my money on, quite frankly! It’s my principle never to walk out at the cinema, so no matter how awful the film is, I have to endure it. It got me to thinking…what are the worst films I’ve ever seen? I’ve probably missed out on some awful films, but here are my Top 10 Terrible Films!

As bad as everyone says? I might find out someday!

10. Psycho (1998)

There’s nothing terrible about this film, if you think about it. It’s a shot for shot remake of Hitchcock’s original, and surely that in itself would make it a decent film? The original Psycho is a classic, so wouldn’t a colour remake that copies most of the film directly be just as good as the original? No. This proved Plato’s theory that a copy of an original is inferior. If you hadn’t seen the original, then maybe you’d find it thrilling. If you’ve seen the original, there’s no point in seeing this remake. There are plenty of horror remakes that could be in this position on the list, but this is here for its sheer pointlessness.

9. Spider-Man 3

Count this as a massive disappointment as well as being a terrible film. I was over-hyped leading into the second Spider-Man sequel, so when I came away from it feeling like I’d never see a good film again I thought it was my own fault. Several rewatches have taught me that it wasn’t my fault. Spider-Man 3 is a terrible film, expanding many of the flaws of sequels to the maximum. It has too many villains, for starters. The most interesting one, Venom, has the least screen time. Peter Parker’s emo phase wasn’t even laughable, just cringeworthy. It has the same plot as the other two Spider-Man films (Mary Jane’s in danger…again!), and contains a retcon that leaves a bad taste in the mouth. Most trilogies are let down by their final act, but this is so much more than a letdown. It’s a disgrace.

8. Freddy Got Fingered

Remember when Tom Green was a big name? If not, then you’re probably young enough to have been spared of his antics. I recently read an article that suggested Freddy Got Fingered was a surrealist masterpiece. I think Bunel would slit his own eyes open if he saw Tom Green’s disastrous film. There’s nothing wrong with gross out comedies as long as they’re funny. Freddy Got Fingered raises zero laughs. Instead, the gross out scenes merely gross out, without rhyme or reason. I’m surprised Green wasn’t committed to a mental hospital after this film was released, which is based on his screenplay. There’s a baby being swung round on an umbilical cord, Green licking open wounds, Green skinning a stag and dressing himself in it…It’s a film with little story, and no reason for existing other than to cash in on Green’s popularity. It failed.

7. Scary Movie

The Wayans aren’t known for their great films, but this one is one of their worst (I’ll leave their actual worst further up the list). This laid the groundwork for all the other Wayan spoof movies, like Disaster Movie and Meet The Spartans (and the Scary Movie sequels). The latter are probably more awful than this, the original, but I wouldn’t know. I stopped watching at Scary Movie. Why? Well, for one, spoofs are supposed to mock what they’re spoofing, aren’t they? Scary Movie tries to expand the parameters of its spoof to other films and genres (like The Matrix and The Usual Suspect), which makes no sense. Secondly, the direct spoofs of horror films (like Scream and I Know What You Did Last Summer) seem to fails to understand that (for example) Scream was a horror satire! Scream was taking aim at horror movie tropes! A spoof like Airplane knew what it was aiming for, never wavered from its objective, and delivered belly laughs. Scary Movie loses what it’s supposed to be spoofing, and like most Wayans films, isn’t funny in the slightest.

6. Planet of the Apes (2001)

Before we received a decent reboot of the Planet of the Apes franchise this decade, we were given this awful remake of the original. Surely with Tim Burton at the helm, it would be half-decent. No, not at all. It tries a few different things, but sticks closely to the original. That’s no bad thing in itself. But reviewed on its own merits, Burton’s remake is garbage. The makeup and special effects were laudable, but everything else, from the script to the acting, was laughable. It’s the first film I remember thinking about walking out of the cinema before it had finished.

5. Howard the Duck

When you talk about comic book to film adaptations, this is probably the bottom of the barrel. Most are watchable, even if they contain their fair share of flaws. There’s nothing redeemable about Howard the Duck. It’s a live action film about a duck who can walk and talk. From the very beginning, Howard the Duck looks unconvincing. The animatronics of his mouth never match to his dialogue. Not only that, but he has is expressionless. How are we supposed to care about a protagonist who doesn’t emote? There are so many things wrong with this film that it’s hard to make a list out of them all. Suffice to say, it was the first ever feature film based on a Marvel comic book, and it failed so much that it would be twelve years until we saw another film based on a Marvel comic book. Oh, and how could I forget? The love story is between Howard the Duck and Lea Thompson. They even get it on…

4. Independence Day: Resurgence

This is what happens when Hollywood gives us a sequel twenty years after the original was released. You get the same plot, rehashed with a few slight changes, but without the novelty of the original. So it’s just an endless parade of cities being destroyed, Jeff Goldblum looking like he wants to kill himself, and boredom. Yes, for a film about destruction and a race to save planet earth, it’s terribly boring. Will Smith can’t even lighten things up, as he was obviously too expensive to be cast in this film. Goldblum and others make a return, but they don’t add anything. A waste of everybody’s time.

3. Super Mario Bros

There are probably worse video game to film adaptations out there, but I promised myself I’d stop watching them a long time ago. There’s Street Fighter, Double Dragon and Alone In The Dark to name a few, but the majority are awful. However, it all started with Super Mario Bros. How could you make a film about a 2D platformer where the protagonist jumps enemies to kill them? Well, you involve dinosaurs in the plot, obviously! So, in the thinnest sketches of the plot, it seems to tally with the simple plot of the game.: the Mario Bros team up to save Princess Daisy. However, add a parallel dimension full of evolved dinosaurs and you have one of the most peculiar video game to film adaptations ever. It has little to do with the video game, fair enough. But it can’t even rely on its own merits. The script is cringeworthy, the plot is barely there, and the great talent on show (Bob Hoskins as Mario, Dennis Hopper as King Koopa…) are wasted. Makes me cringe just thinking about it.

2. White Chicks
   

Another Wayans movie! Both my mum and fiancée laugh themselves silly whilst watching this film, but I can only hope it’s ironic laughter. White Chicks is possibly the least funny comedy I’ve ever seen. There’s not a laugh to be had throughout its duration. Anything involving the Wayans brothers should be avoided, that goes without saying. But this is one of their worst offences. It’s unbelievable, for a start. Two black cops dress up as two white (upper class) chicks to infilitrate a gang (or something. Come on, the plot never matters in these films!). However, they look so unconvincing as to destroy as credence the plot may have. So it’s left down to the jokes…which are often offensive and always unfunny. It makes me wonder what I see in my fiancée…

1. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen

This took #1 place on My Top 10 Worst Sequels (click here to view my list!, and it has to take #1 place here. It’s the worst film I have ever seen. It’s a sequel that manages to increase and expand on the flaws of it terrible predecessor, which is quite impressive if you think about it. There’s no coherent plot to speak of, or any likeable characters. There are offensive depictions of several races. The action is incredibly hard to follow, so much so that I never knew whom was fighting whom. And Michael Bay saw it fit to give a transformer testicles (in the shape of wrecking balls). I never walk out of the cinema on principle, but this film tested my principle to the limit. I guess the sequels are worse, but I’m not sure how that’s possible.

Honourable Mentions

Batman and Robin

Baywatch

Catwoman

Hook

Showgirls

Street Fighter

Suicide Squad

Agree or disagree? Any you’d take away or add? What is your Top 10?

Click here to see Hammy’s Top 10 Films Of All Time!