Review: Nekromantik (1987) (The Greatest Love Story Of All Time?)

“Oh God! Watch out!”

Sometimes, you’ve got to shock yourself. Sometimes, you’ve got to push yourself to the limit. That’s as true for film as it is for your body’s endurance. Occasionally, I’ll test my boundaries by watching an extreme horror film! A month ago, it was Cannibal Holocaust. This past Tuesday, I settled down with my breakfast and watched Nekromantik. If you haven’t heard of it before, it involves around a threesome involving a corpse. Your reaction to that sentence will decide whether or not this film is for you! Continue reading

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Review: Avatar (2009) (Do We Really Need More Of Pandora?)

So you just figured you’d come here, to the most hostile environment known to men, with no training of any kind, and see how it went?

Avatar was the biggest and best push for the so-called future of film: 3D! In the face of the popularity of piracy and ever-diminishing returns on films thanks to the Recession, Hollywood heads banged together to create something to seduce viewers all the way back to the cinema. What cannot faithfully be reproduced with a pirate copy? What will make people pay more to see a film at the cinema? That’s right, 3D! Never mind about interesting and novel scripts and storylines, or solid, believable characters. Just rehash an old storyline, imagine an entire planet, and film it in 3D. Make sure it costs a lot, spend millions on advertising, and charge ludicrous prices for the pleasure of watching it in three dimensions. Then watch the money roll in! And that’s what happened with Avatar. It wasn’t just James Cameron’s reputation that was on the line; the entire future of the Hollywood industry was on the line. Is there any other reason why a totally awful film would receive so many Oscar nominations? Continue reading

Review: Prince of Persia (2010) (Lost In The Sands Of Time…)

You don’t understand what’s at stake. This is a matter for the gods.

Disney, what have you done? I am eight years late to the party, but last night I watched Prince of Persia…If I could call this a 12A version of 300, it would nearly be accurate. But it wouldn’t do justice to the awfulness of this film. Of course, film adaptions of video games are almost never worthwhile. Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros…the list goes on of video games massacred by the medium of film (and Uwe Boll). Prince of Persia is another beloved video game to be butchered by film studios. There is little positive to say about the film, apart from it being ALMOST enjoyable trash. The terrible chemistry between the Prince and the Princess, Dr. Octopus’ terrible attempts at comedy, Ben Kingsley hamming it up as a dastardly villain, average action scenes, insensible plot… Continue reading

Review: The Wedding Singer (1998) (Adam Sandler’s Best Film!)

Not porno tongue. Church tongue.

If an Adam Sandler movie comes my way, I’ll usually dodge it. Don’t get me wrong: I respect him for carving out a successful career in film comedies. But the films I’ve seen with him in are gargbage. There is one exception, however: The Wedding Singer! It’s twenty years old this year. It takes me back to a simpler time, where doing school homework was the only urgent thing on my mind! The Wedding Singer was also the film where I had my first ever date! So it holds fond memories for me…but after watching it recently, I found that nostalgia wasn’t the only reason why it’s the only Sandler film I’ll watch. Continue reading

Review: Brawl In Cell Block 99 (2017) (One Of The Best Films of 2017?)

“I don’t think things even out fair like that?”

Welcome to the first film I watched in 2018! Well, okay, that’s a lie…the first film I watched in 2018 was Bring It On. But let’s not talk about that. Brawl in Cell Block 99 was the unofficial first film I watched in 2018. I’d only heard good things about it. When the credits started to roll, I wondered about the whereabouts of these “good things.” Apart from a hilarious destruction of a car by Brad (played by Vince Vaughn) in the first five minutes of the film, I was bored senseless. Even the excessive gore failed to stir any emotion in me. Continue reading

Review: The Running Man (1987) (One Of Us Is In Deep Trouble…)

“Without further ado, it’s time to start running!”

So I see that The Dark Tower has been released on DVD today (in the UK, anyway!). Instead of watching one of the worst reviewed Stephen King film adaptations ever, I went back to an old favourite of mine: The Running Man. It’s thirty years old this year and was adapted from The Running Man by Richard Bachman…who turned out to be a pseudonym of King’s. The funny thing is that the film takes place in 2017. It’s fun to compare and contrast with the future of the 1980s to the reality of today. But is the film as good as I remember? Or have I had my mind decayed by nostalgia for the heyday of 1980s cinema/Arnie? Let’s talk about it… Continue reading

Review: Cannibal Holocaust (1980) (The Most Controversial Film of All Time?)

“Man is omnipotent; nothing is impossible for him”

Is Cannibal Holocaust the most controversial film of all time? That’s what it says on the sleeve of the Shameless Edition which I picked up last week. I thought shameless was a reference to the price: 18 pounds! But, I was willing to pay that steep price for something that would shock and disgust me. It takes a lot. Cannibal Holocaust ticks all the boxes for extreme horror: rape, genital mutilation, cannibalism, buckets of blood, disembowelments, real animal slaughters…it’s a film that you couldn’t get away with doing today. Ask Eli Roth: he tried with The Green Inferno, but that lacked any shock value (and was pretty dull as well). As is often the case, nothing could top the original Cannibal Holocaust. Yes, it’s probably the most controversial film of all time. But does that make it any good? Continue reading

‘Halloween Special’ Review: I Spit On Your Grave (1978) (A True Video Nasty?)

halloween

“You came to a nice place”

Halloween is approaching…so I sought out a true video nasty: the original ‘I Spit On Your Grave.’ Last night I settled down with some tomato soup and popped the DVD in the player…

The plot can easily be summed up: a New York lady (Jennifer) goes to the countryside, gets raped by several men, then in various acts of revenge kills them. And there isn’t much in between: the rape scenes take about forty-five minutes of the film up; the murders about forty minutes. So there is little room for exposition, character development, or any of those things necessary to weave a cohesive story. The lady is a novelist, retiring to the country for some inspiration. Of course, when people retire to the countryside, they get a lot closer to ‘nature’ than they intended to in horror films! The men are no-good hicks, referring to women as ‘chicks.’ According to one of them, city girls only come to the village to get laid. So that’s a perfect justification rape! One of them, Matthew, is a ‘retard’ (in their words). So, they are the main characters, and we don’t find out much more about them. Continue reading

Review: Prometheus (2012) (Or…How NOT To Do A Prequel!)

“It must feel like your God abandoned you”

I recently caught ‘Prometheus’ on television whilst holidaying at Llandudno (don’t judge me!). It was fortuitous, considering ‘Alien Covenant’ was due out at the cinema. My experience watching it at the cinema was not a pleasant one. More than anything, the film was dull. Yes, it may have been inexplicable, unsuccessfully fusing horror with pseudo-philosophical questions about the beginning of human life. It may have been riddled with stupid characters making stupid decisions (but isn’t that the core of most horror films?). It may not have answered any questions it posed. But, most of all, I found myself bored throughout the entire film. Would a re-viewing change my mind about it? Continue reading

Review: Arrival (2016) (Deserves The Hype?)

arrivalSPOILER FREE!

“Memory’s a strange thing”

I watched ‘Arrival’ last Friday, but it’s taken me over a week to process my feelings about it. I’ve been waiting for ‘Arrival’ for a long time. With films like ‘Prisoners’ and ‘Enemy,’ Denis Villeneuve became one of my favourite modern directors (‘Sicario’ was a rare misfire for him in my eyes; click here for my review). His foray into science fiction had me biting at the champ. The rave reviews made me bite harder and probably left me a little deflated when the credits rolled after the film. However, that’s not to say ‘Arrival’ isn’t a great film. It’s one of the best films I’ve seen this year. It’s not without flaws, but it is a must see movie. Continue reading