Over the five years (at least!), Disney will bludgeon us over the head with Star Wars films. Not only will we see Episodes VIII and VIX, but we will see spin-offs as well. The first one, released this year, is called Rogue One, and centres on the Rogue Squadron preparing to attack the first Death Star. Other ideas have been bandied around, such as origin stories for Han Solo and the ever popular Boba Fett. However, I’ve been thinking of some fairly obscure spin off stories myself…again!
- What If…The Escape Pod Containing C-3P0 and R2-D2 Was Shot Down?
Consider this one inspired by the episode of Spaced in which Tim introduces Brian to the Star Wars trilogy. Afterwards, Tim suggests that the entire story of the trilogy is attributable to the commander who failed to shoot the escape pod containing C-3P0 and R2-D2. Due to his negligence, the droids landed on Tatooine, were abducted by the Jawas, who sold them to Luke Skywalker, who then found Obi-Wan Kenobi thanks to R2-D2…and so on. The Commander says ‘”Don’t fire, there are no lifeforms on board.” But imagine, for a second, if the Commander had said “Do fire! I don’t care if no lifeforms are registered! There could be droids on that pod holding vital information that needs to be hidden from the rebels!” In a Sliding Doors turn of events, the whole galaxy from long, long ago suddenly undergoes a change of history…
Okay, so R2-D2 and C-3PO are no more. Thus, Luke remains on Tatooine, wanting to go to Yoshi’s Station (or Toshi Station?!?!?), and Ben Kenobi stays in his hermit-ry. However, Darth Vader still has Princess Leia as a prisoner. As in ‘A New Hope,’ she doesn’t fold under interrogation, so Alderaan still suffers obliteration at the hands of Grand Moff Tarkin (not literally!). The Empire’s main target is Dantooine; as Leia lied about that planet being the location of the rebel base. Darth Vader and Tarkin torture Leia by destroying planet after planet, and retracing their ‘steps’ to where the Star Destroyer intercepted the Rebel Frigate, Darth Vader and Tarkin decide to blow up Tatooine. Just as they are about to destroy Tatooine, Leia gives up the real location of the rebel base (Yavin IV, if you didn’t know!). Tarkin wants to blow up Tatooine anyway, but Vader senses a presence he hasn’t felt since…(about twenty years prior to that moment!) and something else (his son…spoiler alert!). The rest I leave to your imagination…(but it could be one of many ‘what ifs’ of the Star Wars universe!
- Jango Unchained! (Or Jango: The Early Years)
It’s a matter of fact that we will get a Boba Fett origin story as a Star Wars spin off. But what about his father, Jango? Well, I use the term ‘father’ loosely, as Boba is one of many, many clones that the Kaminoans produced per the orders of Darth Tyranus (the alias of Count Dooku, I think? It’s not explained very well in ‘Attack of the Clones’!). Jango is in serious need of rehabilitation after his terrible storyline in ‘Attack of The Clones.’ Firstly, after being hired to assassinate Senator Padme, he sub-contracts the job out to Zam Wessell…who thinks that some worms will kill Padme more efficiently than a blaster! Shortly after that, we see that Jango is indeed a very accurate shooter…when he kills Wessell! Not only that, but later on in the film, Jango decides to take on Jedi Master Mace Windu…and dies a few seconds later.
However, I would rather have a glimpse of the early years of Jango Fett rather than Boba Fett! Take Lego Star Wars, for example: who would you rather play as? Jango or Boba? Jango every time! What series of events led Jango to accept millions of credits for his body to be cloned? Well, I guess that question is self-explanatory…But another, deeper question is…why couldn’t Jango impregnate a lady, instead of settling for a clone as a child? I’m no expert, but being the great bounty hunter in the galaxy surely is something of a lady magnet? “Hey, I’m an Australian assassin…” that line alone would send hundreds of women crazy with lust! Jango has scars on his face…what about his nether regions? We could see his face and penis horribly mutilated after an assassination attempt gone awry. Let’s say he tried to assassinate Mace Windu? But Jango tried to use a thermal detonator that wasn’t primed properly…or something like that!
After that awful experience, Jango becomes a recluse. He’s used to all the ladies swarming around him, but now they see him as a Star Wars version of the Elephant Man (plus he can’t get an erection.). No one wants to hire him as a bounty hunter. Plus, he has a fear of Jedi…
He immediately takes up the offer of twenty million credits for his body to be cloned by a Sith Lord, the enemy of his feared enemy! Not only that, but because he can’t spread his seed, he desires some sort of offspring: thus Boba Fett! That would explain why he doesn’t carry out the assassination attempt on Padme! He’s scared that the same would happen again. On Geonosis, we see Jango try to face his fear and reap revenge against Windu…but he fails!
Of course, we’d see more than just Jango having his penis burned by a faulty thermal detonator. We’d see how he became the galaxy’s top bounty hunter. We’d see why he chose to use two blasters instead of one…and why he used a jet-pack! So, in essence…screw Boba, we want somet bad-ass, no-holds barred, assassin Jango!
- The Adventures Of The Stormtrooper Who Banged His Head On The Door!
The Star Wars Trilogy Special Edition emphasised the Stormtrooper banging his head on the door inside the Death Star. What a hilarious, yet unintended moment, in the first Star Wars film! That Stormtrooper is a veritable cornucopia of comedic moments. Why not spin a comedy film out about that Trooper? ‘The Force Awakens’ was one of the funniest films of the years, so why not do a straight comedy film in the Star Wars universe? What other antics does the clumsy Trooper get up to? Stepping on that little speeding droid and flying into an angry Tarkin? Flushing the toilet in the Death Star with plumping that isn’t completed, thus showering Vader with faeces? Falling over on the Death Star controls and blowing up a planet? Upsetting The Emperor by failing to follow the correct greeting procedure? Shooting his fellow Troopers by accident?
I’m thinking more of a ‘Curb Your Enthusiasm’ vibe than ‘Jar Jar Binks Episode I’ vibe, but maybe 70% of the former and 30% of the latter. Our Trooper finds himself in awkward situations, usually with Vader and/or Tarkin (maybe even the Emperor), usually due to no fault of his own. Yes, he’s clumsy, but in a loveable, Larry David kind of way! Well, Larry sometimes isn’t loveable…but you get the picture! Maybe, in a tragic turn, his clumsiness could have led to Luke’s auntie and uncle being disintegrated…There’s plenty of scope for a Star Wars comedy, and why not start off with possibly the greatest unintentionally hilarious moment in movie history?
Leave your thoughts/comments below!